writing

A Letter of Apology

Dear 2002 and your broken heart:

You hung up the phone and cried. I didn’t know then what I know now. Not about you, not about me, not about life or love. Never in my life have I had the desire to break your heart.

My lack of understanding caused you so much pain; and, I’m forever sorry. I wish I knew better then. I wish I understood then. I wish I appreciated you and could have given you what you deserved.

BUT

I didn’t know love. I didn’t know my sexuality. I didn’t know myself. I didn’t understand what love felt like. I didn’t understand what was ok, or why nothing felt ok. I didn’t feel love. I didn’t feel trust. I didn’t feel a heart was safe in my hands.

It’s taken me much longer than most, and through greater additional loss before I’ve discovered who I am. Life tends to through curve balls; and I’ve tripped over a few.

My greatest hope for you is that you’re happy. I couldn’t be that but maybe I wasn’t ever meant to be. You’re an incredible human being. I hope one day you’ll feel acceptance for what I then just didn’t know.

With such sincerity.

Me

If ever he should read this, may it be a mended bridge or, at least, a bandage that, on any level, heals his pain.

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