writing

Guh. Not a Good Day (yet!)

Have you ever felt a low that just silences your entire existence?

The one that says “Is this you again, complaining about your woes and dreds? No one cares, especially since today’s a national holiday, remembering those who sacrificed hella lot more than you have… So stop your bitching!”

No? Oh… That’s good! I wouldn’t wish that for you, because it doesn’t feel good.

This spiritual war, the good verses the evil that coexists… Is EXHAUSTING for hsps. As soon as I feel I’m on the upside, a wave of utter disbelief will challenge my foundation of stability.

Right now, I’ve had more doors slammed in my face in the past two weeks than I can remember of a lifetime. The most unthinkable hurtful things I never dreamed of happening are actually happening. The injustice and mistreatment is thick with people’s problems that of which they blame me.

Sure, I accept that when I’m doing well, evil will be a stronger force to reckon with, but so much at once leaves a person shaking with Anxiety. This has for me.

I’m typically super strong. I’m typically the hand that’s lifting others up… Right now, I’m angry and I’m tired. Tired of fighting to justify myself. I’m tired of fighting to get ahead and financially secure. I’m tired of repeating myself. I’m tired of who expecting “loved ones” to treat me like family. I’m tired of questioning myself if I’m a fuck up with something seriously wrong. I’m tired of being the strong one all the time. I’m tired of all this coming at me at once. I’m just tired.

Yes, of course I know this will pass. Things will change. Things will get better. I know I need to apply some self care. I know prayer will help. Right now, in this moment… I just hear my mind saying you have no family. You don’t have any closer friends to visit you. Your complicated love life is because you don’t deserve something normal. You’re not meant to get financially ahead but rather always struggle… And you just suck and no one likes you.

And if I don’t post about my “stuff”, or tag anyone in tweets… I’m invisible. No one asks.. Maybe it’s assumed I’m just ok.

31 thoughts on “Guh. Not a Good Day (yet!)

  1. Oh lovely I’m so sorry you had such a bad day! I hope you’re feeling much better now. You know sometimes we all just need to get it all out without someone telling us it will be ok because we know that. Sometimes we just need someone to listen. If even you need a chat or just to blow off steam, message me anytime. I don’t usually tweet about how I’m feeling either. Here if you ever need a chat without judgement or opinions. I’m a great listener! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh hun, I’m so sorry! Please if you need to chat message me on Twitter/ insta or email me : beautyofmychaoticmind@gmail.com even if it’s just to vent. I’m here. I know all too well what it’s like and especially with family issues. I’ve always felt like I don’t belong when I’m with my extended family. So here for you if you need me!! I mean it from the bottom of my heart! Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It is very hard to break that way of thinking. Life is hard sometimes. I’m a brooder. If something upsets me, it takes ahold of me for sometime. I know what to do to change my thinking. But it’s not always that simple. Biggest hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am sending you a big cheesy smile🙂to cheer you up. Nobody’s feeling like this, not on my watch anyway. Everybody deserves to be happy including you. I know some people don’t show you the respect you deserve and sometimes they don’t even acknowledge you exist. And it’s hard when you see these same people treating other people with the respect and acknowledgement you so crave. You may even feel the people they are showering with their respect may not even deserve it. And you may not feel normal as you put it, being more closer to people online, But sometimes it doesn’t matter where it comes from, their words of encouragement can mean so so much. The warmth you emit sends ripples through the bloggers sphere(damn, your hot girl) what you’ve got to remember is there missing out, not you, your beautiful soul is electrifying and it could light up even the coldest of hearts. I guess what i’m trying to say is, your amazing so please stay this way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes girl, that’s exactly it!! We try to always make ourselves look put together and that’s just not the case. Thank you for reading, being such a great lady, and support to me!!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry you’re dealing with negative thoughts & feelings. *Hugs* You do have people who care, I know because I’m one of them. Deep breaths, my friend. I can’t speak on behalf of your family, but I will pray for the situation, & I’ll try harder to check in on you more often. 😊 Keep writing & sharing your thoughts, beautiful. Your voice matters, YOU matter! And I see you!!

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  5. I can relate to much of what you are saying and it is tough to get out of that thinking sometimes. I can relate to the feeling of ‘no family’ and for me it has been a huge struggle. Over the last few years, I have lowered my expectations, and set up healthier boundaries in dealing with people. It has helped, but I think part of life is this path of learning and trying to attain some sort of balance. Sending good vibes for your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree, boundaries are a must when a person is concern with his /her mental health. I just feel there’s something wrong with me because my boundaries seem to be “boarders” wide. There’s literally not many in my state that I’m close to. I am closer to people online. That doesn’t feel normal to me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think in some ways it can be easier to have close relationships with people online as you are not limited by geography with the type of people you can connect with. This is particularly true for me in a small rural area! Grateful for all of the wonderful connections I have been fortunate to make online and that includes you 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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