*TRIGGER WARNING *
SENSITIVE SUBJECT (S) POST
Growing up, I felt “sick”… Or at least that’s how my mother influenced me to feel about my sexuality. We never had that birds and bees conversation. We never had any conversation about sexual health! She always said, while growing up, she didn’t have time to date. She said she was to focused on her career and enjoying hobbies.
So, at a very early age, sex was FORBIDDEN! NOW, in addition, early on in my life, I noticed I thought women were very beautiful. I loved their shape and appreciated their gorgeous eyes and makeup (obviously this was before I appreciated intelligence).
I tried to pray my way to “straight” life. I talked myself out of believing what I felt existed, let alone was valid. I wrote about it in my diary. I dated a few guys, because, despite these weird troublesome feelings about girls, I defiantly was hormonal… And wanted men.
From the beginning of puberty, until now, I’ve been sexuality assulted a few times. Older men, uncomfortable but subtle gestures and comments….wrong is wrong… Assult is ANYTIME you don’t wish to engage in such activity and whomever doesn’t stop…no matter how long it goes on, what exactly happened, no matter whether you think it insignificant in comparison to others stories.
In 2009, when Michael Jackson died, I fell in love… With another fan… Who quickly captured my heart… And SHE made my BELIEVE a brand new and different life was waiting for me.
I’ve lived my life. No one can tell me anything about race, religion, sexual orientation, or job position that I haven’t heard. To be quite honest, I’d politely listen but wouldn’t change (couldn’t change) anyway. I’ve spent years figuring myself out… Deciding what I believe and what I stand for,who I am and who I am not…
But in school, in the days of my chaos, I bullied others…and others bullied me. It sucked!! I was mad… I hated life. I hated school, my parents, the way they favored their biological children.
My life is happier now. I’ve accepted my truth, the only way I can and do truly live. I push away the negative and rebuke the lies.
It’s been painful getting here. It’s been uncomfortable, mentally challenging, and sexuality damaging to get to this point. I’ve worked on me, and I’ve hid my pain.
You never know what someone has been through. You don’t know the challenges they’ve had to overcome, maybe to just leave the house. You don’t know how cynical they are of themselves, and how that nasty voice has impacted their life, health, and ability to believe in/love themselves. So before you reply in a negative way, before you say something mean, whether or not they asked or deserved it, remember our lives are full of untold stories. Be kind…. The truth of someone else will not be exactly the same as yours… That’s OK. It’s not your life of which to be concerned.